Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
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How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!