Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
You Might Also Like
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori