Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

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It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.


I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.


[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?


Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again


[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot


Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.


I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.


Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.


T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH


just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me