Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.