@TheAndrewNadeau

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

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@TheAlexNevil

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

@weirdralph

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

@BraandoCommando

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

@rusty_coach

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

@POTerritory

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

@Reverend_Scott

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

@yung__spider

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

@ObKeeng

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

@newLettuce

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

@iwearaonesie

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered