ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!