I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
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[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
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There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”