My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
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It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.