A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
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Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?