women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
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I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.