i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Home #decor warning.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”