Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
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“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
men are simple creatures
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”