WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
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pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Phonetics
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.