Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
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The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.