kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
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I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!