detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
You Might Also Like
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.