me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
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[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”