My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
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Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Crying is a sign of leakness.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
don’t we all