911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?