What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
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I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
i smell a pulitzer
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.