Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
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“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Blew out my flip flop…
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.