I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register