Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

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Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things


Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*


until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity


I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.


I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.


I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?


*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*