Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
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*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is