Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
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Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me: