why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.