7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
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Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you