“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
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Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™