Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
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Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
that colleague who touches your screen
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️