Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat