my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]