When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
You Might Also Like
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.