My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
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I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Never forget.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”