“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
lmao
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…