my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
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Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take