Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
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Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
this is the greatest thing ever
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay