One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
he looks great for his age
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .