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[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
A wise man once said nothing.