When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
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My first child will be named New Folder.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not