I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?