Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
You Might Also Like
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.