Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
You Might Also Like
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
This is amazing.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*