Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
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.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
So true for me
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses