When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
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I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
No. YOU-buprofen.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
PLOT TWIST:
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her