It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

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Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals


Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!


Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal


I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.


Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”


my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be


One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.


On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.


Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.


HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again