It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
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[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.