@robyn_vo

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

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@TheMockingMama

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

@lukejarret

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

@ArfMeasures

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

@ChimpsAhoi

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

@baronvonbike

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

@dyldonot

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

@kyry5

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

@WheelTod

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

@junejuly12

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

@bornmiserable

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again