Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
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I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Is anyone gonna tell them?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.