All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.