Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Respect
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?