What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.