Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
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[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.