absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios