Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.