Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
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My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?