I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets