Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
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I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
This kid is going places
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
How to draw a duck
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars