a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist