a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
![]()
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
![]()
![]()
![]()
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
What
![]()
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.